They say,..
If you love somebody, Let her go..
If she comes back, she's yours..
If she doesnt, she never was..
and behind every great love, is a great story.. here's my story..
It was love at first sight. Saw her for the first time back when i was in high school - after high school, to be exact. Accompanied a fren of mine to see her as she was a so-called 'kakak angkat' of his. Intro'ed ourselves, chit chat and that was it.. It was only a brief meeting. As i was shy (still am now), i just mind my own business and made myself look busy while my fren and her mingle around with few others before we said our gudbyes and went home. That night, i couldnt get to sleep. Kept thinking of her. I was so desperate to see her again. I kept thinking of how to see her, what to say, what to do, the whole works etc. She was the same age as I. We went to different schools. She and her group of frens were frens with sum people i knew. For few days, i just cant stop thinking of her.
This was after our our high school final exams - SPM. It was the transition period of being a high school student and an out and out teenager. Identities were built during these times. Youth, teenagers desperate to make a name for themselves. Some eager to make it big in this real world, some lost without direction, some still not ready, some just cant wait to die. Now back to the story. haha..
So 1 day, after few days of 'starving' myself and with few bucks in the wallet - wasnt working part time, but i still do get pocket money,. i summoned enuff courage to finally go see her face to face... at the Nike Store where she worked. Ahhh.. i still remember the day.. it was a brief encounter.. small talk.. chit chat and i bought a cap from her. I bought a spanking new, blue Nike cap which i wore everyday, every friggin day everywhere i go, for a few years until sumbody stole it. basket..!! I was a shy person.. MIRC was the "in" thing back then and those who go online and 'do stuffs' were seen as the 'cool people' -baahh!! bunch of nerds.. people from other school, from different age groups wud chat in chat rooms and then these people wud organize outings, gatherings, bbq, those stupid shits etc.. sometimes, people got too much into this chat things and brought it outside to the real world just to settle sum dispute. aahh.. wait.. i've strayed away again.. back to the story.. where was i?
ok i bought a cap.. and also we keep in touch thru this mirc thing but she wasnt always online. After a while, she went to further her study in a local matriculation college. One of her gud frens was always online and i'd always ask her to send my regards to her fren, 'my love at first sight'. Not long after, i was accepted to a local U in KL and off i went, eager to start a new chapter, grabbing life by the horns. Then we lost contact.
At the end of my first year, during the holidays, we met again. After more than a year without contact, or was it 2 years, fate brought us to meet each other once more and i started to go all crazy over her again. This time i got her number. Got to know she just finished her matriculation and will go to KL to further her studies. I was thrilled. She'll be in KL at the start of my 2nd year. I'll get to see her more often. Oh yeah i did. In her first couple of months there, i was her tour guide. Showing her around, giving her directions, hang out with frens together, and we got closer. Phone calls became more and more frequent. SMS was flying in and out of our phones. On 12th June 2001 we were officially a couple. Her name is.. Balkis.. "ceh ceh ceh.. bluweeekk... jiwang la lu.. haha.." - that wasnt me, its my alter ego typing..
Love at first sight.. lost contact.. fate brought us together again.. made her mine.. 12th June 2001 was the start of a memorable 5 years relationship. We're young punks with full of ego, eccentricity, fire, rage, eager to prove ourselves right in everything we did back then. Both were kinda like control freaks. We got into quarrels, fights, battles, war.. u name it.. we fought it - all in the name of love. BUT, we were also crazy for each other. We spend time together, went out for dinner, movies, other social outings, etc. Hell,. back then we were inseparable. We were like Becks & Posh, Allie & Noah (from The Notebook), we were very much in love then. "baahh.. young kids.. whaddaya know bout love.. monkeys" - alter ego.
We grew up together. We met many people. Studied together. Experienced many new things. Took in all things that life threw at us. Ow and we do quarrel too. We got in so many quarrels sumtimes over petty things, sumtimes over nothing, sumtimes just for the fun of it. One thing we learned is that evertime we quarrel, we'd realized we love each other more than before. We'd always reach the point of understanding no matter how extreme it was and each time, we'd learn something new about each other. Inseparable we were, but that wasnt for long. I was kicked out of U at the end of my 2nd year, and was back in JB. This was the start of my revolutionary years, but thats another story for another time. Tho far, i'd still travel up on weekends just to spend time with her. I'd bunk in at a fren's place.. sumtimes at my uncle's place.. sumtimes i'd travel up just to accompany her or drive her down to jb - highways aint a safe place for wimmen drivers. haha.. (piss of u chauvinist pig - alter ego).. ey.. its true..! Such is the power of our love. At times, i'd go againts my parents to travel up on weekends, however, my dad wud still fetch me when i come back on sunday nights.. hahah.. For almost 3 years we endured this far and long distant relationship. As it goes, the fights got bigger, we broke up few times, but we'd always come to realize that we couldnt live without each other. I'd still be supporting her in her studies, tried so hard to fulfill any wish of hers, juggling my time between frens, families, studies, and love. There were several occasions where i had to really leave everything and went up to see her, sometimes to settle disputes with her, or with other people. Tho we were far, i still had my eyes and ears there. We grew up. We went thru happy times, sad times, joy, and also hardship. We're always supporting each other. Not one day goes by without me not thinking of her. Dunno bout her, but i always do think of her all the time. Not forgetting the money for phone calls and travels, the time i put in, the effort..
During her final holiday period, she came back to jb.. she's back to say.. did her part time job at one stupid furniture store. Stupid coz out of the blue, i had to bow and show respect to one crazy arab and one farkin piece of shit stalker working at a food stall outside. No way..!~ Dumbass crazy iranian farker.. i'm still holding a grudge againts him.. owh and the piece of shit stalker.. showed him who's boss and gave him the 2 finger salute and he's off the radar.. wanker..! Had a funny name too this wanker.. got my people to watch over him for sumtime. What'd they do? Nahh.. a story for another time.. I was already working by this time. Secured myself a job as an IT Slave at one big securities firm.
Ok continue, after a while, her results came out and she cud start her final semester doing internship. Lucky her, she managed to secure a place as an intern at a local valuation firm. Fresh from studying, she was off to a gud start. The different peoples she met, the many kinds of ugly people out there, the workload, the stress, all i cud say was.. "Welcome to the real world"... Tho only doing intern, after a while i can sense the stress got to her. I supported her thru and thru. Adviced her when she needed em, be there when she needed and showed more love. By this time, we were already starting to really face the challenges of the real world as a couple together. We were both working, we were both under stress, we were both still babies in this dog eat dog world where only the strong survive. Still, i feel i was always there when she needed me. Overprotective? no way. She was strong anway.
A couple months back, she secured a full time job at one leading valuation firm. Felt happy for her. Was hard for her to adapt. Workload was bigger, firm was bigger, lots of people around. She was starting to have doubts then, bout our relationship. But i still prevail upon the fact that it was down to 'excitement' of working and living in the real world. Determined, i pointed out where she could make mistakes, what are things she should look out for, how to handle people, and showed her more love. I worked harder. I was determined to settle down by next year with the girl i believe would be her, Balkis. Got everything pre planned. All i had to do was work myself thru the plan.
But, i dunno where it went wrong, wat went wrong, slightly a few weeks after 5 years together, she decided to call it quits. No big battle, no disputes, just out of the blue, she decided to call it quits. Previously, i'd still fight for our love and 'destroy' watever that got in our way. This time, maybe i'm just too tired to do it. I did try to save this relationship but somehow, i coudnt bring myself to try harder. Maybe she need some space. Maybe she's on to new things, new people, and new stuffs. Watever.. Maybe she's just weak and got sunked into sumthing she dunno. Heck.. i wudnt know..
She was always there giving me critical advise, joy, pleasure, and also the meaning of life. Our families knew each other. We were so deep into our relationship that all our families knew about us. She was always around in my many family gatherings, brought her around anywhere i go. Imagine the shame i wud endure after this when families starts asking.. There will be disappointed faces. But, there's nothing i can do. All things eventually comes to an end. I'm lucky to have people around me who still cares. I promise i wont do anything harmful to myself.
For weeks, i dunno wat to do. The feeling of being lonely and without a partner hurts me deep down. I may be smiling on the outside but on the inside, only i knew wat i'm going thru. When i was younger, i wud do stupid things but now, the urge of doing those 'destruction' to self and others is very low. How am i taking this? i dunno.. not too bad perhaps. I'll bask in all the hurt and sorrow and be stronger. It aint the end of the world. There are better things for me out there. I only need to be stronger. Maybe i might go some place far. I dunno.
5 years. 5 long years.. and its gone. What am i gonna do about it? NOTHING.. i'm just gonna let it go.. see wat happens.. If she is for me, she'll come back.. if she dont, she never was.. From the bottom of my heart, i wish her good luck. Tho we promised we wud be gud frens, i feel it aint gonna happen.. no way. If i see her out there with sum other dickhead, i'll either smash him to pieces or i'd walk away pretending i dunno her. She was the love of my life. It pains me to see her go.
But.. life goes on..
